I know better now, and so I am trying to do better. It is painful because the old ways are so comfortable but I know in my heart that pain is the only thing that will bloom if I go backwards and plant the same seeds I always did.
I want to feel the sun kiss my skin, and watch the light grow inside of me. So yes, I know better, and yes I will try to do better. I will trust that this uncomfortable feeling will fade into peace, and I will be one step closer to being free in me.
I am letting go of many things, thoughts, feelings, and people that have weighed me down until the water filled my lungs. I am learning how to breathe again without them, and it feels bittersweet but I know this is what is right for me.
I won’t explain or justify myself to anyone. I will live out my life with joy, with peace, with honesty, and I will not let anything unravel me again.
This is my story, and beautiful things will be written in each page. The light will soak into my words, and I will come alive in each chapter. No more holding back. No more pleasing you. No more making myself small to make you more. I am here, and I am going to take up space. I am going to live.
Sommer. Jedes Jahr. Geburtstag, Neuanfänge. Die Menschen, die einem am wichtigsten sind. Die Erinnerungen an diejenigen, die nicht mehr da sind. Er, immer da, immer bereit, mich zum Weinen zu bringen. Die Nächte, wo man zu früh nach Hause geht, weil Verpflichtungen. Eben doch nicht auf den Schlaf scheissen, weil Seelenfrieden.
Sommer. Egal ob Regen oder Sonne, immer Sommer. Immer anders, immer gleich.
Ich hasse es so sehr, wie du den Song “Lila Wolken” für immer für mich ruiniert hast. Und jedes Mal, wenn ich ihn im Radio höre, kämpfe ich gegen den Drang an, auf dein Facebook-Profil zu gehen. Jedes Mal erinnert es mich daran, wie ich mehr sein wollte, mehr als nur ein Moment.
I want to speak with you again
under the blankets of dawn
while everyone else is still wrapped up sleeping
I want to walk with you again
and let my feet get damp in the gutter
because we never realised it was raining
I put my hand in your coat pocket
and keep it there longer than it needs
to find a cigarette
I just want one last morning for ours
where we really think we can outrace the sun
rising far behind us.
So when people leave, I’ve learned the secret: let them. Because, most of the time, they have to.
Let them walk away and go places. Let them have adventures in the wild without you. Let them travel the world and explore life beyond a horizon that you exist in. And know, deep down, that heroes aren’t qualified by their capacity to stay but by their decision to return.